Topless Sunbathing and Other Genius Plans

It’s back to school time here in my sleepy little town. Teachers have dutifully hung apples on every surface they can find. The stores are crammed with back to school clothes which all consist of jeans, sweaters, long sleeved shirts and suede boots. Meanwhile temperatures have hung around 102 all week. Summer, it seems, is not giving in without a fight.

While we are stuck in class the weather teases us. While we are listening to our teacher lecture on and on about transitive property and distributive property, the blue sky outside whispers summer! How are we supposed to concentrate? The pools are all closed of course. All of the life guards have returned to where ever they came from and we are all left with this perfect sunbathing weather and nowhere to go.

This is how I came up with my perfect plan. On the bus ride home I was lamenting our fate to Lauren when it suddenly occurred to me where a perfect spot to catch the last of summers glorious rays would be. We needed a flat surface. We needed a spot with no trees. We needed a spot where we could be relatively uninterrupted for at least an hour.

We needed the roof of Graceful Falls Baptist Church.

Lauren was unsure of this plan. “Won’t someone see us?”

“Of course not” I told her. “It’s Thursday. No one is at the church on Thursday.”

Reluctantly she agreed to my plan. When the bus dropped us off at the far end of Wine Spring road, we followed the street up the hill that lead to the church. We passed the Winespring apartments where we first met Ms. Euphinia York. She was sitting out on a chair in front of her door reading some paperback. She was in her night dress even though it was only 4 in the afternoon. She waved and we waved back. Thankfully she didn’t decide to talk to us. We were wasting daylight as it was. When we got to the church the parking lot was empty. Just as I expected, no one was there on a Thursday afternoon. Sunday the parking lot would be full of cars from worship, Monday was when the Deacons met, Tuesday was the LOL (Ladies of the Lord) meeting, but Thursday was clear.

We walked around to the back of the church where the playground was. From the climbing structure you can easily reach a branch from a huge live oak tree that can be scooted along until you are directly over the roof of the fellowship hall. This part of the roof is flat. The roof that covered the offices directly to the left of the fellowship hall is pitched.  Lauren and I chose a spot on the flat part of the roof. We placed our backpacks down to use as pillows and I took of my shirt and laid it out under me so I wouldn’t be lying directly on the hot roof. Lauren stared at me and gulped.

“What?” I asked.

“I…I just need a little color on my legs,” she said.

“Oh, no you don’t. If we are going to do this we are going to do this right!” I demanded. “Now, take it off.”

Lauren is always wussing out on me when I come up with a brilliant idea. She just doesn’t have the guts to hang sometimes.

Reluctantly Lauren pulled off her top and laid it out as I had done. We both lay down on the roof and let the warm summer air drag all of the stress of the day away. At first we were quiet, but after a while we began laughing and joking. We had fun at the expense of almost everyone in the school. We make fun of how Amanda Atkins would spend every free moment talking about her hair and whether or not it looked better with a headband. We made fun of Joshua Branch who always had huge parties and never invited us. After about a half hour we had concocted a genius plan to sneak out and water balloon bomb the entire party. We were laughing so hard at the idea of all the gross stuff we could fill water balloons with instead of water that we didn’t hear the car drive up and park right by the big oak tree. We did hear the sound of the car door slamming though and the voice of Cliff Shelby calling to his grandson Charlie. Cliff Shelby is the Chair of the Building and Grounds Committee. It is his job to keep the church up and running. Charlie Shelby is a grade above me and Lauren at school. He is the only foot ball player who talks to us because we go to the same church. He is adorable

Lauren began freaking out! She started to sit up so she could grab her t-shirt out from under her, but I pulled her back down. If she raised her head they would see us for sure.  I heard Cliff say something about unloading tables for the meeting tonight. What meeting? I had planned this out perfectly!

Lauren started to cry. I swear to God I could have smacked her! I put a hand over her mouth but it was too late. Cliff Shelby had heard something.

“Get the ladder, Charlie” I heard him say. Oh crap, what now. I began to think fast. I eyed my surroundings and determined that the only way we could escape would be to climb up the pitched side of the roof and down the other side where they wouldn’t see us. Once over there we would be trapped and clearly visible to any one on that side of the church, but if we left no evidence of ourselves on the fellowship hall side, then maybe Cliff Shelby would think he had imagined the whole thing and leave in time for us to climb back over and get down. It wasn’t the best plan, but it was the only plan we had. I quickly whispered it to a silently weeping Lauren who just nodded her head in a dejected sort of way. She was the image of a girl who had given up, but I needed her to hold it together for just a little while longer.

I heard the clanging sound of Charlie coming back with the ladder. This was our last chance. While they were busying themselves with the ladder, we would make our break for it. I looked at Lauren and silently mouthed the words “1-2-3” then “Go!”

We grabbed our things and scurried up and over the steeply pitched roof. Once on the other side we lowered ourselves back down so we couldn’t be seen from the other side. The black shingles of the roof which had been baking all day in the sun burned our skin now that our t-shirts weren’t underneath us. I scrambled to quietly arrange mine back under me and Lauren went to do the same then suddenly gave me a look of horror. She had left her shirt on the other side of the roof, right where Mr. Shelby was about to climb up on that ladder and see. I could have wrung her neck.

Just then we heard Clifton Shelby call out, “Who’s up here?”

We didn’t answer.

“Whoever you are, you need to get down now. You can’t be up here!” I heard the gravel of the shingles crunch under him as he stepped carefully across the roof. I could hear him mumble as he found Lauren’s t-shirt lying on the ground. “Whoever you are, you forgot your shirt.”

Suddenly Charlie became interested.  “Who is it Gramps? Do you want me to come up and help you look for them?”

That is when Lauren cried out, “NO!”

I could have pulled her hair out!

She had completely messed up everything. But I was going to have to fix it or else we would still be up on that rooftop helplessly waiting the entire church to see us in our bras and shorts. I poked my head up over the top of the roof.

“Sara Foster. I should have known.” Said Cliff Shelby.

“It’s Sara!?” Charlie’s voice called out.

“Never you mind!” Cliff called back over his shoulder.

“Is Lauren with her?” Charlie asked.

Lauren groaned.

“I said never mind! Just hold that ladder and stay put!”

He turned back to us, “What, in the name of everything holy, are you two doing up here with your clothes off?”

Charlie called up again, “Do you want me to come up, Gramps?”

Cliff ignored him.

“We were sun bathing,” I answered.

“On the roof of the church!?”

“Yes sir” I said in as meek a voice as I knew how to make.

Cliff looked as though he were debating what to do. Finally he threw Laurens shirt over the roof toward us and said. “Get your clothes on and get the hell off the roof. I’m going inside to call your mothers!”

“NO!” Lauren cried out again.

“Yes sir” I said.

And with that Cliff Shelby turned to climb back down the ladder. Lauren and I pulled our t-shirts back on and scrambled back over the roof and toward the tree branch we had used to climb up. We were hot, sweaty and sunburned. The rood had left stripes of tar that stuck to our skin and clothes.  Lauren was still crying as we began our walk home, knowing what would be waiting for us when we got there. She seemed to think this was all MY fault like she wasn’t the one who ruined everything. I was too busy trying to figure out how to get out of this mess to argue with her.  We didn’t talk the whole way home. When we got to the street where Lauren had to turn off to go to her house she walked off without saying good bye.  This might take a few days to work itself out. I watched her walk out of sight then turned to head home. Maybe mom won’t pick up her phone. Maybe it will be a couple of days before she checks her messages. Maybe the church office has the wrong phone number listed and they won’t be able to get a hold of her. I said a silent prayer and then wondered if God cared to answer the prayers of topless sunbathers.

…to be continued

Jesus is my homie!

I want to go to the Gangsta Church. Sounds like fun.

The Absolute Very Best Trip to the Chiropractor Ever

I'm not going to say that my mom is a prude...well...yes, okay. My mom is a prude. I am fifteen years old and she still calls my breasts and vagina "ninnies" and "hoohah" like she is afraid that if I hear the word vagina or breast, I will instantly become pregnant. She will turn the TV off at the slightest hint of a sexual suggestion. She will talk all day long about Micheal's  bowel movements, but say the word "hump" and you will be treated to gasps and sputters and all manner of other ridiculousness.

That is why our trip to the chiropractor last week was so awesome. My youngest brother Micheal will not drink water. He will also not eat any fruit other than bananas. The result is that he can't poop. This is why mom will talk all day about his bowel movements. The solution to this seems to be regular trips to the chiropractor. Mom tells Micheal that the chiropractor has a magic poop button that he pushes down on to make him go. Micheal is fascinated with this.

As we sat around the waiting area in fancy ergonomic chairs, Micheal began telling the other patients about the poop button. I think he thinks that every one in the waiting area was there to have their poop button pressed. Thank God the chiropractor finally called us back. My mom asked if I wanted to come back to the little room or stay out here with the other patients, but I was too embarrassed to stay. So mom, Micheal, Thomas and I all squeezed in the tiny room where Dr. Jason does his adjustments.

Dr. Jason always looks like he just got home from the beach, even though we don't live anywhere near one. He is tall, tan, and muscular. He wears tight fitting t-shirts that show off his arms.  At first, when mom told me that the family was going to start seeing a chiropractor, I was hesitant. Now that I have seen him, I don't mind at all. Mom seems oblivious. She wouldn't notice a handsome man if he reached out and pinched her. I would actually pay money to see that.

I placed my self down in another fancy ergonomic chair an watched Micheal climb on to the adjusting table. Mom began to talk at length and in detail about his bowl movement schedule over the past 8 days. Micheal just kept saying "poop" over and over again.

Then Dr. Jason said, "You know, if this is becoming such a regular problem, I can teach you to do this yourself so you don't have to come in here so much." Clearly Dr. Jason was as sick of my family as I was.

Dr. Jason lifted up the back of Micheal's shirt. He felt around for a bit and then said, "Here, do you feel this?" Mom placed her fingers on a spot on Micheal's lower back, just above his butt. "All you have to do is push on that spot really hard" he said. "Here, I'll show you."

At this point he came in behind my mom and put both of his hands on her hips. My mom was facing me and I could see her eyes get huge and round. Dr. Jason began pushing on the lower part of her back so hard that mom had to put both hands on the adjustment table to steady herself. Then Dr. Jason said, "All you have to do is feel for that spot and then come in back here with a strong THRUST!" Mom's lips became as thin as a pen and her eyes clamped shut, but Dr. Jason didn't stop. He kept pushing and saying things like, "Just ram it in there" and "Make sure you give it a really hard thrust!"

Mom's eyes were still closed, but I could see her mouth the words, "Oh my Lord in heaven!" Her face had turned bright red and she looked as though she might pass out.  I was biting my fist to keep from laughing.

When Dr. Jason finally finished bending my mother over his table, he looked as though he was satisfied at his complete and thorough explanation of the poop button. Mom looked as though she had just completed filming a scene from 50 Shades of Gray right in front of her children. I was still biting my lip and shaking from the effort to control my laughter.

When we got back in the car, mom dropped her purse and reached in to the glove compartment where she hides her cigarettes. Normally she doesn't smoke in front of us. Normally she won't even admit that she does smoke, but she pulled out her Camel Filter, stuck it between her lips and lit. Mom took a deep drag and exhaled. Then she put the key in the ignition to start the car. The whole car ride home I would randomly yell out things like, "THRUST" and "Ram it in there," and she would fumble and the car would swerve and then she would give me dark looks. When we pulled in to the driveway of our house, mom announced that we would be finding a different chiropractor.

Euphinia York Gets Baptized

This summer, Graceful Falls Baptist Church took full advantage of the free labor in the form of out of school youth in an effort at community outreach. One hot July afternoon we were paired off to canvas the neighborhood in search of potential new members. I was paired with my best friend Laura. Together, we went door to door at the Winespring Apartment complex which was located down the street from the church. The apartment complex was made up of about half a dozen small buildings which contained four apartments each. Each apartment was on the ground floor which was nice because Laura and I didn't feel like walking up and down all those stairs in the 102 degree Texas heat.

Armed with water bottles and full color pamphlets with Graceful Falls Baptist Church written across the front, we began knocking on doors. The first door we came to went unanswered and so we left a pamphlet wedged in to the space between the knob and the frame. The second apartment we came to was blaring music out of an open window, but no matter how loudly we knocked, no one came to the door. We left another pamphlet wedged between the knob and the frame just as we had done for the first apartment. The third apartment we knocked on had a dirty brass number 3 hanging lopsided from the front door. Also hanging on the front door was a decorative sign that read, I'd give up chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

We knocked on the door and a few seconds later it swung open. That is when we first laid eyes on Ms. Euphinia York. She was big. She was probably the biggest woman that I had ever seen who wasn't on a reality show. Her floral dress hung just above her knee high stockings. Her hair was in tight blond curls and her cheeks looked as though she had applied blush with a tube of lip stick rather than a brush.

"Can I help you girls?" she said and suddenly Laura and I realized that we hadn't planned for what to say in the event that we actually found someone who was home.

"Uh..." Laura said.

"Um..." I tried.

"Here." Laura went on and handed her a pamphlet.

"We are from Graceful Falls Baptist Church." I finally figured out how to say. "We would like to invite you to visit us this Sunday for worship."

"Baptist, you say?" she muttered as she flipped through the pamphlet. Her eyes rested on the section which introduced the church staff. "You know you have a woman pastor?"

"Yes, I do know that." I answered. Laura rammed her elbow in to my ribs for being rude, but if she was going to start arguing with me about women's place in the church, well then I was going to get ready for a fight.

But instead she said, "Well, that's nice. I thought you Baptists didn't allow that." 

"Some don't, but we do." I said in as cheerful a voice as I could muster. Laura was throwing me dirty looks. She was obviously afraid that I couldn't conduct myself with any decorum.

"Well then," Ms. Euphinia said, "I think I may just take you up on that invite. I don't drive, but it's just right up the road. I can walk that if my knees don't start to bother me too bad."

After she had thanked both of us for our visit we left and I wondered if she really would manage to walk the half a block up to the church. She was a big lady, and it was hot out. There were days I didn't want to walk down to the mailbox.

Then next Sunday, however, Ms. Euphinia was sitting in the back row of the sanctuary red faced and fanning herself furiously. Pastor Martha preached about Acts and the difficulties that the apostles were having over the issue of circumcision. I thought this might be an unfortunate choice in sermons, but Ms. Euphinia seemed to be impressed. On our way out of the sanctuary I heard her tell Pastor Martha how nice she thought it was, and that if the apostles could argue over scripture then perhaps there was hope for the rest of us.

Ms. Euphinia came to church every Sunday throughout the rest of the month of July and kept coming all the way in to August. Then, the first Sunday in August, when Pastor Martha issued her invitation to join the church, Ms. Euphinia heaved herself out of her pew and began to slowly make her way up to the front of the church. Pastor Martha put an arm around her and they talked quietly as we sang the last stanza of Just as I am. Pastor Martha then turned to the congregation an announced that Ms. Euphinia York would be joining the church by baptism. I'm not sure why this surprised me. I guess I just figured most grown folks were either already baptized or had already made up their minds not to be. But I guess there are always going to be things I haven't seen yet and that's no reason to start thinking they can't happen.

The next Sunday we took our seats in our usual pew. Dad, mom, Thomas, Michael, and I all sat together. Laura sat two pews in front of us with her mom and younger sister. As the organ music began to signal the congregation to stop visiting and settle down, a hush fell over the sanctuary. Then Pastor Martha stepped out from behind the wall of organ pipes and in to the baptismal.

"Peace be with you," she called out.

"And also with you," the congregation answered.

As Pastor Martha went on, I looked ahead two pews and saw Laura eying me over her shoulder. She was smiling and giving me a big thumbs up in a way that her mom couldn't see. Obviously Laura was prepared to take full credit for the events of today. A huge splash brought our attention back as Ms. Euphinia entered the baptismal as well. Pastor Martha's eyes bulged as she watched Ms. Euphinia displace the water and looked as though she thought it might splash over the sides and drench the choir sitting directly in front. Some of the choir members looked as though they had the same idea and began nervously glancing behind them.

Once Pastor Martha regained her composure she began again. Laura turned back to me with big eyes and open mouth. Maybe she didn't want credit anymore. Not if it involved dousing the back row of the choir in baptismal water.

As I looked up again, I saw Pastor Martha put her hand behind Ms. Euphinia's neck and her other, which was holding a white cloth across her face. Pastor Martha tilted her back and said, "With Christ you are buried." We waited for her to continue with the rest of it but, once again, Pastor Martha paused. Her eyebrows came together and she looked like a woman who was debating herself. Above the wall of the baptismal we could see the tops of Ms Euphinia's breasts and belly as her body floated stubbornly on the top of the water. Pastor Martha's lips thinned in determination as she applied more pressure to the top half of Ms. Euphinia's body, only to cause her legs to fly up and kick and thrash violently. Pastor Martha thought better of it and ceased that approach. Next she placed both hands on top of Ms. Euphinia's middle and pushed. Ms. Euphinia bobbed in the water and this time some did splash over the sides as the choir members directly in the way began to scoot their chairs up. Finally Pastor Martha must have called the job done because she pulled Ms. Euphinia up and said, "Rise to walk in newness of life."

I saw that Laura was looking back at me, but I couldn't risk meeting her gaze or I would not be able to contain myself. I was biting my lip as it was. I knew I wasn't the only one. Dad was busying himself with cleaning his glasses on his shirt, but his face was red the effort of not laughing.

As the service came to a close and we made our way out of the church, I saw Ms. Euphinia standing in the back with Pastor Martha. When we approached Ms. Euphinia scooped Laura and me in to a huge hug, pressing our heads in to two parts of her that I'm sure did not get baptized. "I thank the Lord for the day your two came knocking on my door." she said.

"Mmff arumph mmhm Mf fnia" Laura said with her face pressed against the ample bosom.

"Mmm Hmm" I agreed.

When she finally released us we headed out to the car. Both of us quietly agreed that we could never miss a day of church ever again because you just never knew what fun you might be missing.

Baby Name Bingo

Before I begin this post let me just start off my saying that my mother named me Serendipity so I am not laughing at these children, I'm laughing with them...and really...I'm laughing to keep from crying. If you want to learn more about my name and why my fool of a mother named me you can in the "About Me" section of this blog.

Okay, on to the post...

Every year when my best friend and I are forced by our mothers to volunteer at Vacation Bible School we play a little game called Baby Name Bingo. It seems that my mother wasn't the only parent at church who decided to get a little crazy with the baby names.

Here are the rules. In what ever way you are working with kids, be it in a classroom or at summer camp or in VBS like Laura and me, you take your card and as you are going over your class list, you start marking off names of the children you meet that are discribed by the words on the card.

For example:
If you have a Phoenix in your class, you could mark off City as Name, Comic Book Character, and Names with an X.

If you have a Sienna, Star, or Paisley you could mark off the Color, Patterns or Shapes square.

This year in my class I had an Archer (Violent Name), Pax (Name with an X) Logan (girl with a boy's name), Barron (Royal Title), and a Zoriah (Name with a Z)

Bingo!

Laura won the award for the most boxes filled in with out a Bingo. She had a Liberty, Charity, Grace, Hope and Joy which all fell in to the Concept or Feeling category. Then she had a Lexus (Car name), and a Gunner (Violent Name.) When little Zelda walked in she had a Z name and a video game name.

So close!

She wasn't sure how to categorize Sabine because she said that I didn't have a box for "Names that remind you of the rape of and entire nation of people" but I said to just put it in "Historical Figures."

Yes, the parents at Graceful Falls Baptist Church have gotten very creative. There is a mother who named her twins after cheese (Colby and Bree) and a mother who named her daughter Blue. We have a Ranger, McKinley and Xochilt (pronounced So chill.) Maybe I shouldn't feel so bad about being named Serendipity. (Which could also be marked on the board for Concept or Feeling.)

Pastor Martha caught us playing the game and took up our card, but I heard her laughing about it later when she thought we weren't watching. She used to be an elementary teacher so I'm sure she has some names of her own to add to the list.

How about you? Are there any names that are driving you crazy? Come share! Or tell me that I am a mean horrible person for making fun of children. Either way, comments will make my day!

Mom is Going Back to Work

The week before mom went back to work was rough, but not for the reasons that mom wanted. My mother has been a stay at home mom ever since my brother Thomas was born 8 years ago. I asked her once why she didn't stay home with me when I was born and she said that by the time Thomas was born our "situation" had changed. What she meant was that when I was born her and dad were fresh out of high school and didn't have any money. By the time my brother was born, Dad had a job as a fire man and it paid enough for mom to stay home. Three years later when she had my other brother Michael she solidified her status as a stay at home mom.

She volunteered for every thing. She volunteered at school. She volunteered at church. She dragged us along to every PTA and church committee meeting she went to. She was the chair of the Hospitality committee which was responsible for all of the parties and events at the church. She served on the Bereavement committee which meant she kept a freezer full of precooked casseroles that she could take out at a moments notice and rush to someones house if they lost a loved one.

But last year Grandma lost her house when the economy took a dive and her retirement vanished. She moved in with us and dad said that he would not be responsible for 6 people on one income, so mom had to go back to work. She was all choked up about it. She kept sighing and saying things like, "When I go back to work, things are going to be different around here." and "Don't expect these big homemade meals when I go back to work, I just won't have the time." She wanted all of us to be sad that she wasn't going to be around, but I just couldn't bring myself to be sad. For the first time ever I was going to have some freedom!

Mom wouldn't be getting home until 6pm most nights! That was a full two hours after I got out of school! Two hours to go to friends houses. Two hours to roam the neighborhood. I could get on a bus and go downtown and be home before she ever knew I was gone! I had to try really hard not to smile when mom started on about how rough it was going to be with our her around to make our beds and do our laundry. Like I care if my bed is made.

Friday night we were all sitting down for dinner. Mom was giving grandma instructions for when my brothers got off the bus from school.

"Now, they will want a snack, but I don't let them have junk. Give them a piece of fruit or cheese when they get in, but not to much because I don't want it to ruin their dinner."

"I know what I'm doing Sister!" That's what my Grandma called me and mom. I'm not sure why.

My brother Thomas chimed in, "Yeah, mom. She's got it. Leave her alone."

Mom patted his head like he was some sad confused boy and said, "You don't know it yet, but it's going to be a big adjustment with me gone. Won't it dear?" She directed that last part at my dad.

Dad looked up from his pasta and and stared around the table like he just noticed us all sitting there. "I don't know," he shrugged,"I'm gone all day so I don't ever get to see you anyway."

Dad never knew the right thing to say. Mom's lips got real thin and her nostrils began to flare. Dad went back to eating his dinner and mom's eyes got shiny and she suddenly got up from the table and grabbed her purse and said, "I need some air!" and stormed out of the kitchen and into the back yard.

Mom thinks that none of us know that she smokes. She keeps her cigarettes in her purse and when ever she gets stressed out she disappears behind the big oak tree in the backyard and has a smoke.

The rest of us were left at the table to finish our dinner. If Dad knew he messed up, he didn't let on about it. He just finished his dinner quietly and when he was done, he got up to take the dish to the sink. Grandma started humming something under her breath. Everything always reminded her of a song and it is never a song I have heard of.

Mom wanted every one to be sad she was going back to work, but no one was. Dad was happy about getting an extra income. He cared about made beds about as much as I did. Thomas was going to be starting baseball this year and had just learned how to do a wheelie on his bike. He wasn't worried about mom being home when he got off the bus. Michael was starting kindergarten this year. He was way to excited about finally getting to go to school to care what anyone else was doing. And me? I was ready for some change. Let the chaos begin!